


Actually, Really, For Real

by EdnaV



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, Missing Scene, The Body Swap (Good Omens), The Night At Crowley's Flat (Good Omens), can be read as ace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:35:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27121889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdnaV/pseuds/EdnaV
Summary: Aziraphale and Crowley need to learn how to move in each other’s bodies. It’s Sunday morning, the clock is ticking, Aziraphale’s waistcoat and Crowley’s hips (or lack thereof) are getting in the way...
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 53
Collections: The Ineffable Con 2





	Actually, Really, For Real

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Ineffable Con 2 Zine. 
> 
> Thank you, Bethany and Rachael, and everyone who was there: it was an ineffably wonderful weekend, with so much happening (and all good).

_ [Scene: Crowley’s flat, the first Sunday morning after the Armageddon didn’t Armaged.  _ _ Aziraphale and Crowley are in each other’s bodies; Aziraphale’s sitting on the sofa, Crowley’s leaning on the doorframe.] _

**Aziraphale [in Crowley’s body]:** So, I suppose that this overabundance of limbs is the reason why you keep on  _ wigwagging. _

**Crowley [in Aziraphale’s body]:** And I suppose that this waistcoat is the reason you don’t even  _ breathe. _ That, and the starched shirt. And the three layers of underwear.  _ And _ the sock garters.  _ And _ the spats. I always thought that it was just a stick up your...

**Aziraphale:** Crowley.

**Crowley:** I was more comfortable as the Black Knight. That armor had  _ nothing _ on your refusal to dress like someone who’s accepted that the 50s are over. The 1850s, I mean.

**Aziraphale:** _Crowley._

**Crowley:** Sorry. It’s ten o’clock already. We should get a move on.

**Aziraphale:** Do you want to go?

**Crowley:** Not before you learn how to walk.

**Aziraphale:** Crowley. We know from Agnes...

**Crowley:** Agnes Nutter isn’t dealing with the Lords of Hell, you are. Now, show me how you walk. Remember: don’t just walk. Show off. Strut. Swank. Swagger. Sashay.  _ Saunter. _

**Aziraphale:** I’ll try.

**Crowley:** Do, or do not...

**Aziraphale:** Excuse me?

**Crowley:** It’s from a... never mind. Try.

**Aziraphale:** Fine.

_ [Aziraphale-in-Crowley’s-body takes three steps, falls. Crowley-in-Aziraphale’s-body helps him up.] _

**Aziraphale:** _Not_ fine, I guess.

**Crowley:** Oh for... are you okay, angel?

**Aziraphale:** No bones broken, but... Crowley. How do you keep track of all these legs?

**Crowley:** You keep track of two wings on multiple planes of existence!

**Aziraphale:** Yes, but my angelic nature cooperates, whereas your hips don’t!

**Crowley:** What’s wrong with my hips now?

**Aziraphale:** You know perfectly well what’s wrong with your hips.

**Crowley:** There’s nothing wrong with my hips.

**Aziraphale:** Nothing?

**Crowley:** Nothing.

**Aziraphale:** Well, I suppose one could say so.  _ Because you don’t have any hips! _

**Crowley:** I  _ do _ have hips!

**Aziraphale:** Not functioning ones.

**Crowley:** It’s just the trousers that are a bit tight.

**Aziraphale:** And this choice of clothes is not your fault because...?

**Crowley:** Skinny jeans with tiny pockets got me a commendation, and I’m blessedly proud of that!

**Aziraphale:** I hope you realise that your pride in this endeavour should be partly tainted by the realisation of a self-defeat of sorts, especially, but not exclusively, in the present context.

**Crowley:** Still proud of it, angel. Which brings us back to: my swagger. Which is about to become  _ your _ swagger.

**Aziraphale:** Oh Lord. Crowley... is it really necessary? The prophecy...

**Crowley:** A prophecy’s not enough, angel. But you can do it. You just have to imagine that you’ve already taken the next step, and your body will take it.

**Aziraphale:** You make it sound easier than a miracle.

**Crowley:** Same principle. You decide to live in the world where you’ve already taken the next step, the next step will follow.

**Aziraphale:** Even if it hasn’t actually followed yet.

**Crowley:** Mmm-hmm. Yes.

**Aziraphale:** Isn’t that...  _ lying? _

**Crowley:** It’s called  _ imagination, _ angel. Like in a book. Or like pretending that you’re a gardener when you don’t know the right end of a watering can.

**Aziraphale:** That was uncalled for.

**Crowley:** Should I remind you of the Marigold Incident?

**Aziraphale:** That wasn’t my fault! 

**Crowley:** _ Really? Actually really for real? _

**Aziraphale:** Well...

**Crowley:** _ Well? _

**Aziraphale:** ...well, I suppose that it was, in a way. 

**Crowley:** Precisely.  _ In a way. _ So, now: take the next step in your mind, and you’ll be there,  _ in a way. _

_ [Aziraphale sighs, concentrates. He starts walking. He’s standing up very straight and moving very little except his legs, but he’s standing up.] _

**Crowley:** Good. Now the arms. Let them swing all the way round. Occupy all the space. You  _ own  _ the room. You have  _ style. _

_ [Aziraphale rolls his eyes, but he starts moving his arms too. His bearing is not as bold as Crowley’s usual one, but he’s no longer rigid.] _

**Aziraphale:** Like this?

**Crowley:** More or less.  _ [Looks at his wrist, then looks for Aziraphale’s watch in his waistcoat.] _

**Aziraphale:** _[Looks at his wrist.]_ Half past ten. Your turn.

**Crowley:** I know how to be you.

**Aziraphale:** _Really?_ What’s that you said... _Actually really for real?_

**Crowley:** I’ve been watching you for six thousand years.

**Aziraphale:** So you know that  _ I’ve _ been watching  _ you _ for six thousand years, and you still objected to my choices in playing your role.

**Crowley:** You fell on the floor.

**Aziraphale:** I have to admit, that was not the zenith of my acting career.

**Crowley:** At least you didn’t try sleight-of-hand.

**Aziraphale:** Do you think I should?

**Crowley:** _ NO! _

**Aziraphale:** Really? 

**Crowley:** _ Actually really for real. _

**Aziraphale:** Then, your turn. Let’s see.

_ [Crowley begins to walk back and forth in front of Aziraphale, suddenly stops and stares at Aziraphale.] _

**Crowley:** How can you move inside this suit of armour, angel?

**Aziraphale:** You don’t. You let that  _ suit of armour,  _ as you call it, guide you. I’ve had that waistcoat and that coat for more than 150 years — they move the way they are meant to move. And keep your hands still. Stop flapping them around.

**Crowley:** You’re always fidgeting.

**Aziraphale:** I fidget  _ with elegance. _ Keep your hands still, or I’m going to tie them up.

**Crowley:** _ [mumbling]  _ I’m not going to go there. 

**Aziraphale:** Try again, dear.

_ [Crowley walks back and forth in front of Aziraphale, keeping his hands behind his back.] _

**Aziraphale:** Good.

**Crowley:** Good. So, off I go.

**Aziraphale:** Wait. If you’re to pose as me, you should be able to construct a sentence including two subordinate clauses, one of which is in the passive voice.

**Crowley:** It sounds like a lysergic nightmare with music by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

**Aziraphale:** _[very pleased]_ And that, my dear, is the right answer.

**Crowley:** See? I know how to be you. Now, off to tell the bastards to...

**Aziraphale:** Oh, remember to be  _ polite. _

**Crowley:** _Polite._

**Aziraphale:** Polite, yes.

**Crowley:** They’re trying to kill us.

**Aziraphale:** Yes.

**Crowley:** And you want me to be  _ polite. _

**Aziraphale:** It costs nothing...

**Crowley:** _ Angel! _

**Aziraphale:** Crowley!

**Crowley:** Just give me a good reason why I should be polite with your former boss after you told him to take a long walk off a short pier in front of the Antichrist, his friends, four humans, and  _ my _ former boss  — with whom, now that I think of it, your boss was  _ very _ chummy, considering that they were about to kill each other in the Greatest War...

**Aziraphale:** ...wait, do you think that Gabriel and...

**Crowley:** Not the point here, angel.

**Aziraphale:** You didn’t wonder? Really?  _ Actually really... _

**Crowley:** Of course I did. But the point is, why should I be  _ polite? _

**Aziraphale:** Because I’ve got a reputation to uphold. I’m  _ an angel. _

**Crowley:** And the Archangels are  _ polite,  _ with the whole trying-to-kill-us business. 

**Aziraphale:** Well,  _ I _ have dignity.  _ Style,  _ if that’s what you wish to call it. 

**Crowley:** Nah. No, angel. You’ve got _dignity._ _Style_ is my thing.

**Aziraphale:** Well, then, you show  _ dignity, _ and I will try to be  _ stylish. _

**Crowley:** Secret of the trade, Aziraphale. Nobody’s actually stylish, you just try very hard to be.

**Aziraphale:** Imagination?

**Crowley:** Precisely. So… see you later, angel.

**Aziraphale:** I’ll see you later, dear.

_ [Crowley adjusts his bowtie, tugs his waistcoat, goes to the door. Then he suddenly turns around.] _

**Crowley:** Wait. Angel. I have to know.

**Aziraphale:** Yes, dear?

**Crowley:** The waistcoat.

**Aziraphale:** Yes?

**Crowley:** You haven’t changed it since... 1862?

**Aziraphale:** No, dear.

**Crowley:** Oh. I see.

**Aziraphale:** If we...

**Crowley:** _ When _ we get out of this.

**Aziraphale:** _When,_ yes. But now, just remember to stand up straight, dear, as if you had a stick up your... Well. Just remember to stand up straight.

**Crowley:** And you just try to  _ wigwag, _ angel.

_ [Crowley exits, keeping his hands behind his back. Aziraphale sighs, then attempts a pirouette. It works.] _


End file.
